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"Any hint that one partner is being coerced, manipulated or forced to participate would severely limit the couples' acceptance with other lifestyle couples."
"Lifestyle situations can increase the risk as well as the frequency of performance issues."
"If you do not think about you and your penis but think about her and her pleasure, then size matters very little."
"We each need to know our primary partner is in our corner."
"...too many drinks will make your little buddy relax . . . not the desired result. "
"The key element for participation is each person's right to choose freely within the bounds of their relationship."
"Sex does not cause AIDS. Certain sexual activities can expose an individual to AIDS"
". . . remember any open wound can take in infection."
"When you walk into any environment, you look immediately for a familiar face. There is comfort in seeing people you know."
"Couples tend to have their own set of "rules" or "guidelines" to govern the sexual activities they are willing to consider."
"Choose what works best for you. No style is right or wrong. . ."
". . . you may want to change your rules, discuss it with your partner during the light of day, not in the heat of passion."
"More information can be obtained, and questions answered, at the free lifestyle seminars offered before each social." |
One reason for marital happiness among swingers may be that swinging is an activity both spouses do together. It enriches the primary relationship especially in the erotic sector. Success in the lifestyle is dependent upon solid, trusting and honest communication between both partners. Each couple must create and maintain a strong relationship with one another before including others into their sexual experiences. Again that relationship is built on honesty, respect and consideration of one's partner. It is a myth that there is only one person in this whole world that we could be attracted to. Once we meet the "right" one we are still attracted to others. Once we can admit that, open communication begins. Be aware that this lifestyle is full of insecurities, uncertainties and fears. If we treat each other with kindness, thoughtfulness, understanding and sensitivity we can work out the fears. We are accumulating questions and answers from many different areas. Watch for several new additions every week. If you have a question about swinging, Send it to us and we'll answer you privately as well as post the information for the general public, if appropriate. How do I tell a couple that we're not attracted to them? How does one handle a situation where a couple is showing interest in playing with you, but for whatever reasons, there is no attraction, or kismet for one part of the couple? (You like this couple socially, but not as prospective play partners) Probably happens a lot....dating 2 folks is hard enough......4 should be downright impossible. Dear Not Interested; Now before I even get started you know what the answer is :) Not everyone is attracted to everyone else. So you need to say to them what you said to me. It is stated with kindness and without sounding like rejection. Everyone is afraid of hurting another's feelings so many times we do not just say "No Thank You". Since it appears you have a friendship with this couple that seems harder. There does not seem to be an explanation for who is attracted to whom. Whatever the karma or kismet is, is still unexplainable, but it is real. You are right, getting two people together is tuff but four or more? WOW Just remember "no" is not rejection it is just a statement. There are no easy answers but follow your instincts, use common sense and be sensitive. Top
How do I convince my wife to participate? I do hope you are interested in approaching your wife, not talking your wife into swinging. As you learn about the lifestyle you will realize one partner does not talk the other partner into anything. Each decision, starting with the decision to discuss swinging involves mutual consent of both partners. Even if one partner was able to manipulate the other partner into doing something they had not fully agreed to do, their participation in the lifestyle would quickly bring issues to the surface. One key element of lifestyle participation is built upon the rights of each partner to freely act upon their own choices within the bounds of their relationship. Any hint that one partner is being coerced, manipulated or forced to participate would severely limit the couples' acceptance with other lifestyle couples. Most therapists will confirm that the most common problem couples have is communication. Add a subject as emotionally charged as sexuality, and especially sex with outside partners, to the discussion and the communication levels can deteriorate before your eyes. There are two places to start. Have her check out all the areas of the web information. She can get an idea of the type of club, the people involved and her safety. If you get past that you need to attend one of the seminars so she can see and feel first hand the comfort. She will then have an opportunity to ask questions. There is an old proverb "be careful what you ask for". While in most cases it is the male who introduces the idea of swinging, it is often the woman who embraces its philosophy and activities more readily than males. The liberating effects of the lifestyle can be an aphrodisiac for women and the males often have a difficult time with the change of behavior. Just remember, there is no such thing as one partner being a "swinger" while the other partner is not, or does not know. Such a situation would be as much a violation of trust as any other case of adultery or an outside affair. top
Your fantasy has come true. You are exploring sexual games with another woman, another couple, a group. This is so awesome; you have dreamed about this since you discovered yourself. Now you discover things can be much different in real life than in fantasy. What is going on? Every male has heard that sooner or later he will be faced with the prospect of performance anxiety. Knowing this does not make the experience less traumatic. Lifestyle situations can increase the risk as well as the frequency of performance issues. Most females in the lifestyle are familiar with male performance anxiety and are very patient and understanding and can sometimes find ways to help "handle" the situation. What causes this? The answer is very simple . comfort. In a normal dating relationship you usually do not have sex with someone until you are comfortable with them, and only you know what that time limit is. In the swinging lifestyle you could be playing around with someone you barely (no pun) know. You may have met over the Internet or may have met just an hour ago at a social and haven't really gotten comfortable. You're naked and having sex with a stranger. The other issue for men is their competitive nature. A man now places himself into a competitive situation; he must perform to his expectations, his partner's expectations, and now expectations that may not be realistic. The earth does not move with every sexual experience and to expect at every sexual encounter to show the ultimate expression of sexual prowess is unrealistic and unattainable. Do not place this unnecessary burden on yourself. This competitive spirit works well for some, but for many it can deteriorate performance, cause performance anxiety and even penis envy. It may seem odd to speak of penis envy among men but Freud missed the point and it is not woman who wish for a penis but men who feel "short-changed". Sex therapist are constantly asked about penis size. The stock answer is that size does not matter. Women want technique. If you do not think about you and your penis but think about her and her pleasure, then size matters very little (oops). The size that does matter is the size of your heart and your desire to please. Pornography portrays woman as enraptured by the penis-- it is a lie. Woman want oral sex. Woman love clitoral stimulation. Take the time to learn how each individual responds. A woman needs time. Performance anxiety can be found among the women also. There are different reasons and a different format but no less traumatic. Typically it is the male who approaches the idea of attending a lifestyle function. Many women then feel unattractive and inadequate. Why would her partner need to have new and different sexual partners? If her first experience is non-threatening, fun and at her speed, she will find those feeling are unfounded. A woman will realize that participation in the swinging lifestyle is more like "adding " to the primary relationship not "replacing" it. As women explore their own sexual and physical self they can become overwhelmed with the possibilities or uncomfortable with the image of their participation. Others view this as a green light to reject their restrictions and explore their sexual self. Sometimes you will see a complete personality change. Each stage of performance anxiety needs to be addressed and talked about. Many times that is all that is needed. We each need to know our primary partner is in our corner. That is what makes this lifestyle so much fun. Tips:
Here are some tips and comments from other members top
This question can be two fold. If you are feeling used by your partner, you need to get back to the communication table and talk. No one should be in this lifestyle who does not want to be there. The key element for participation is each person's right to choose freely within the bounds of their relationship. Any hint that one person is being manipulated or coerced to participate will limit the acceptance from other swingers. If your concern is being used by other couples, then you need to define what you want from this lifestyle. Many people are looking just for the sex to bring erotic excitement to their relationship. Some people are looking for friendships even if just short term, to add spice to their relationship. Still others are looking for long term, emotional friendships, people they can add to their social schedules even after a Saturday night. Once you have defined your swinging goals, you need to communicate that with potential partners. Recreational sex can be one time or shared again and again. If you meet a couple, share sexual activities and then they never call; it is what they were looking for. It is not rejection. Next time take the time you need to build the relationship you are looking for. Just as saying "no" is not rejection, having sex only one time is not "being used". top
Usually one who is neither bi nor gay is considered straight. (They may be tri . will try anything). In the lifestyle many people refer to their non swinging friends as straight. I have adopted the terms vertical and horizontal to differentiate between swinging and non-swinging friends. Top
Most discussions on the lifestyle behavior will raise the issue of AIDS and sexually transmitted diseases (STD). I will not be able to give a complete discussion and examination of the issue; I am not a medical professional. There are many books and references to just this situation. I will however respond as it relates to the lifestyle. Whenever there is a question about AIDS and the lifestyle, there seems to be a tone in the voice that conveys an accusing and moral judgment. The ultra-conservative groups have suggested that AIDS will cause us to return to the sexual restrictions of the early church and challenge any sexual behavior. We are asked to believe "Sex causes AIDS". Sex does not cause AIDS. Certain sexual activities can expose an individual to AIDS, but sex itself does not cause AIDS any more than breathing causes pneumonia. In reality we do not know what causes AIDS except the connection with the HIV virus. Rather than teaching the general population that sex is bad and dangerous, we need to teach them how to enjoy their natural sexual behavior without the danger or fear of contracting any disease. I understand fully the seriousness of this horrible disease. I have lost friends to this terrible killer but does this lifestyle place us in a high-risk group? The pictured painted by those who would use AIDS to determine our moral behavior, is that any non-traditional sexual activity creates considerable risk. It is not sexual behavior but types of sexual activity that increase the risk of infection. There is a dramatic increase when a sexual encounter includes anal sex. The tissue lining in the anal walls is not designed for pounding, pressure or friction. With anal sex the tissue can become torn leaving an open wound. Intravenous drug use also creates considerable risk. AIDS is a blood disease. Risks of infection with "traditional" sexual behavior can exist, if there is an open wound or sore. The vaginal wall is designed to handle the pounding, pressure and friction of sexual activity. However if there is an open wound, there is risk. The chemicals within the saliva break down infections contained in the semen. Therefore kissing or oral sex does not appear to be dangerous. Again remember any open wound can take in infection. My conclusion is that it is not sexual behavior itself that leads to infection, but the manner in which this behavior is engaged. By knowing what behaviors place you at risk and restricting such behaviors, you can participate in a full and active sexual life. The lifestyle is not about dying of a dark disease. Although we do not patrol bedrooms we encourage safe sex and provide condoms at our after hours parities. Top
Are there cliques in your club? We first must remember what a clique is. Webster defines clique as " a small, exclusive set of people." I define a clique as "a group of people that are familiar with one another." When you walk into any environment, you look immediately for a familiar face. There is comfort in seeing people you know. At Rocky Mountain Connections Social Club there are cliques, we like to be with people like us. However, at RMCSC we find many members who are busy all night getting to know other members and new faces. Many times it seems as if people are in a clique because you have not familiarized yourself with them. Many times it is just the perception of cliques. Couples in the lifestyle enjoy meeting new people because they enjoy new experiences. If you are friendly, outgoing and pleasant, you will attract people in whom you will be interested, and who will be interested in you. Couples tend to have their own set of "rules" or "guidelines" to govern the sexual activities they are willing to consider. Do you? If you do then you know there are situations and people you do not want to participate with. You would then naturally migrate to couples that think and fantasize closer to what you want to experience. This is not cliquish; it is comfort. Since a clique can be any size, who is to say it is all bad? Just find one that fits and try it on. Top
Open? Closed? Soft? Does everyone swing the same way? In swinging, there are as many different ways to swing, as there are swingers. There are three styles that fit every occasion. Choose what works best for you. No style is right or wrong, it is just a matter of whatever is preferable to each couple OPEN SWINGING Having sex in the same room (possibly in the same bed) with your primary partner and another couple. The male will be with the female of the other couple and the female will be with the male of the other couple. There may or may not be any sexual contact between same sexes, depending on your choice of bisexuality. This is the choice of couples who prefer to be together at all times. In Open situations, there is no question of what is said or done, because everything is done together for all the parties concerned. This is also the choice of voyeurs/exhibitionists who enjoy watching mates while experiencing sexual enjoyment themselves. It can be very erotic to look up and smile at your partner while receiving pleasure from another. This situation can quite possibly lead to some variations of group sex and techniques that are not available in closed swinging. CLOSED SWINGING Having sex in a separate room from your primary partner. The male will be with the female of the other couple in one room and the female with the other male in a different room or at a different time (but still together - not swinging "separately"). This allows the freedom (or the privacy) to 'discover' the person in a deeper way without the distractions of another couple in the same room. Closed swinging also allows the freedom to act out various fantasies without feeling you are being watched. SOFT SWINGING Soft swinging involves teasing, foreplay and even oral sex with another couple prior to returning to your own partner for actual intercourse. Soft swingers prefer to keep actual intercourse between themselves and their primary partner, rather than sharing it with other people. HOW TO CHOOSE No style is right or wrong, it is just a matter of what is preferable to each couple. A complication can arise when couples are attracted to each other and one couple prefers open, one couple prefers closed and one is a soft swing couple. Each couple has the right to choose the style of swinging that is right for them. However most swingers are willing to compromise and work around another couple's choices. If what you want and what the other couple wants is a match, that is terrific! If not, and a compromise can not be reached, keep looking. As a couple you will have your rules. We always suggest you do not change those rules Saturday night. After a time in the lifestyle you may want to change your rules, discuss it with your partner during the light of day, not in the heat of passion. You may find new things out about yourselves and like those changes. Top
How do we know if swinging will be OK for us? At this point both you and your partner are investigating this lifestyle together. You have probably done a great deal of talking about the pros and cons of this lifestyle. Now is the time for each of you to ask yourself and your partner certain questions with regard to your own relationship and your own individual feelings. You do not know what you do not know, however, we do have some questions as a starting point. Answer these questions honestly. You are answering these for you, no one else. If you are misleading, it will come back at you later, with a negative impact.
Top
What if you see someone you know? (or OH MY GOD, I KNOW THOSE PEOPLE!) Here is a personal story and some help for those who have asked: What happens when you run into someone you know at a lifestyle function? Well that has happened and even though I will remind you that they are there for the same reasons you are, first you must pull yourself off the floor. The initial shock of seeing a co-worker, someone from PTA, or a member of your church is a set back. You are instantly reminded of all the reasons that held you back from attending your first social: "Is this legal?" "Who does this sort of thing?" "This breaks with tradition for couples." and "What if someone saw me?" Well, you are about to be seen. It is ok . . . really. My story goes like this: We were attending a lifestyle social and as we entered the door we stopped to talk to the host and visit with friends. While we were chatting another couple spotted us. She was horrified. I worked for her! All that the people at her table heard was “Oh my god!” She threw her coat over her head and bolted for the door. By this time we were at the bar and they managed to get past us. (This couple told us later that they drove around the parking lot several times talking about what to do. She was sure she could not go back in.) Later in the evening some friends were teasing me about how I can 'clear a room'. After figuring out what had happened, and who was involved, I only wanted them to know it was all ok. I did not want them to stop attending socials, afraid they would run into us. As it goes we ran into this couple at a 'vertical' social gathering and had an opportunity to talk about the situation. We shared the fears and the humor of the encounter. We are now the greatest of friends and can enjoy this lifestyle as friends. What had to happen was communication. First: Think Who are they going to tell? They can not say “ Oh guess who I saw at a swing party?” The first question they would be asked is “You were where?” Emphasis on the YOU. Once you can realize they have no one to share this information with your anonymity is safe. Next: go say hello. Greeting each other is open, friendly and helps it feel OK. You may never “play” with these people, but it can be fun just to know you share a special free spirit. Finally: do not take such a meeting to mean you must leave the party or the lifestyle. They say the world is a small place so
you may somewhere,
someplace, sometime, run into someone you know. Just
smile See Confidentiality below. Top The chances are good that you will meet or see someone in the lifestyle that you know personally, or that you know from business or politics. We have many doctors, lawyers, business people, entertainers, church goers and teachers in our club. And there are many others that you may see at conventions and other gatherings. Remember, these people have the right to explore their sensuality just as you and I do. They also have the right to their anonymity. Some people may not care who knows about
their participation in the lifestyle. Unfortunately, the current
political and cultural climate is
such that there
may be serious ramifications
for some if word of their lifestyle made it to the wrong ears.
Be discreet. Respect their privacy, just as you value yours.
Don't 'accost' them at a social function, and be careful about
greetings in a public place. I can't tell you how many times
someone has said hi to me in a public place, and the question
arose from my companion "Where do you know them from?" I always
say "I met him/her at the mall." Top
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